Relationship counselling, is it right for you
Most people react to the suggestion of relationship counselling in two ways. Either you are open to the possibility and the chance it could be for you as a couple. The second reaction tends to be the complete opposite, you are unsure of what a counsellor can do to help you and as a result, you are not comfortable going down a counselling route.
As opinions are almost equally split, 50 – 50, it seems fair to assume that most couples are divided about booking a relationship counselling appointment.
The truth is that, unless you’ve worked with a counsellor in the past, you probably don’t know what to expect from relationship or couple guidance.
The first and more important thing you need to know is that you are in a safe place. The position of your counsellor is to help you and your partner overcome your challenges and find a solution to problems whenever possible.
At MB Counselling and Psychotherapy Services, I often see couples who are nervous or even a little ashamed that they need relationship counselling.
Therefore, I have made it my mission to help you understand what counselling is about and whether it is the right answer for you.
I appreciate that it can be a daunting and nerve-wracking process when you don’t understand what it entails and so let me provide you with some clarity.
Exploring relationship counselling: What is it and for whom?
For some couples, relationship counselling can be the best thing to do to prolong and nurture their relationship.
Ultimately, people face a lot of pressure in day-to-day life. These pressures, whether they relate to you as a couple or not, could affect your relationship.
The counselling session offers you and your partner the time and space you need to reflect on the behavioural patterns you’ve developed or are using in the relationship.
Typically, I recommend counselling for couples who experience issues of varying levels, ranging from recognisably harmful patterns such as domestic violence to avoidance of big topics or difficulties.
As a counsellor I can help couples address challenges or behaviours that are putting distance between partners. I appreciate that issues can come in a variety of shapes.
Some couples use counselling as a wake-up call to recover from a significant crisis. In contrast, others use it to establish safe and reliable communication at the start of their marriage.
Can relationship counselling save couples?
Relationship counselling is no miracle solution. It is a process that both partners have to embrace for best results.
The purpose of counselling is to address the missing elements in the couple. In other words, we will focus on hearing individual stories and understanding each other’s perspective. In many ways, couples use this time to restore the broken pieces of communication between them.
It is fair to say that issues can arise for many reasons. It could be a response to conflicts within your couple, but it could also be inspired by past trauma and experiences.
As such, I insist on letting couples know from the very start that they can’t use relationship counselling as an excuse for blaming each other. It is a place for solutions; therefore, you need to approach it with a realistic and positive mindset.
Emotionally-focused marriage guidance is one of the most effective counselling approaches.
Indeed, according to research, marriage counselling can still deliver positive improvements up to 24 months after your sessions. The reason behind this is that counselling can help you learn effective ways of communicating and reaching out to each other. Therefore, you can grow closer together rather than growing apart.
Who gets the most/least out of counselling?
The success of your relationship counselling depends on your willingness to maintain the relationship and to correct mistakes.
As a rule of thumb, most couples can benefit from counselling. However, in my experience, we’ve narrowed down those who are likely to get the most out of it:
- People who are married young / have gotten together young,
- Couples who still love each other,
- People who are willing to honestly reflect on their behaviours and errors,
- Couples in which both partners agree to get relationship counselling.
Therefore, I believe it’s important to understand that some situations can’t be resolved even with the help of a counsellor.
- When a partner doesn’t want to improve the relationship / seeks a separation,
- When a partner isn’t engaging during the sessions,
- When a partner isn’t honest during counselling,
- Couples who are not open to introducing positive changes or correcting behaviours,
- When harmful behaviour requires professional support (from mental health or other trained specialists) that you aren’t receiving.
What does couples counselling involve?
A typical counselling session sees partners working together with the counsellor to determine how issues have arisen.
During this phase, the counsellor will ask open questions to gain a better understanding of the relationship. A counsellor can ask you how your relationship began, how it’s developed, or even about the past history of previous relationships. This process enables the counsellor to understand the context of your visit.
Your session is likely to discuss sensitive topics that you might prefer to avoid otherwise. For instance, a counsellor might ask you about your sex life as it can be a common source of issues for couples.
Finally, most of the work happens outside the counselling room. Your counsellor will provide exercises to perform between sessions.
What makes a good counsellor?
A good counsellor is someone you can trust with your problems.
They have the relevant certifications and accreditations (you can check these online). But they also build a safe and respectful environment in which you feel comfortable sharing. Your counsellor should not side with either you or your partner, as this attitude will make progress impossible.
How to find a good counsellor?
There is no perfect answer or rule for this.
Most relationship counsellors have an online profile where they introduce their background and values. Therefore, Google is often a good place to start. However, word of mouth and local search results can be equally effective.
You might accidentally stumble upon your future counsellor by reading a blog or a self-help book they’ve written.
When should I book an appointment?
As per the saying, there is no time like the present.
There is no right or wrong time to consult a relationship counsellor. But, the best time to get relationship counselling is when you and your partner agree on seeking help.
The desire to improve your relationship is the first sign that you should book.
Relationship counselling with Malcom Bateup
Want to know more about what relationship counselling can do for you? Get in touch with Malcolm Bateup, empathic Shoreham counsellor, to bring your relationship forward.
As a qualified and experienced counsellor, Malcolm Bateup regularly provides relationship counselling and marriage guidance to couples in the Shoreham-by-Sea area.
MB Counselling is based in Shoreham-by-Sea, West Sussex. Malcolm offers a range of counselling services including face to face at his Shoreham treatment room, walk and talk and online counselling.
Please contact us to have a free initial chat.
For complimentary therapies such as reflexology and massage please find out more about services from Nicola at Beach Green Holistics.